your thong is hanging out like whoa
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
