The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Boobs are out for the taking
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
