Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize