next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
