Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
