booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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