you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
