She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
