ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
