His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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