If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
