Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
