Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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