Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
