I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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