Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
