omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
