Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
where are my eyebrows?
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