Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
