im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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