We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
