the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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