that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
