Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
