Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
