Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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