I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
