Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize