If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm sobbing to NWA
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
