A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
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