Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
