After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
