I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
