why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
