She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize