Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
