I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
