They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
The struggles of a small town man whore
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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