If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So much rum. So many feels.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
