I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Who died my cat blue again?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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