I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Randomize
