He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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