I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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