Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize