I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
