Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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