Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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