I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
