I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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