Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
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