I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
