Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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