Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
