i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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