how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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