So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize