she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I need water and some morals
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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