You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
